Chapter 19 - One Year Later
One year after I opened the front door, Lily started kindergarten.
She wore the yellow dress for the first-day photographs.
The same color she had begged to wear for my homecoming.
But this time her hair was tied with butterfly clips again.
She talked the entire drive.
“What if my teacher has a hamster?”
“What if the hamster bites?”
“Do hamsters have birthdays?”
“Can federal agents arrest hamsters?”
I laughed.
“Only with probable cause.”
She nodded seriously.
At school, she hesitated at the door.
Then squeezed my hand.
“Mommy comes back?”
The question still appeared sometimes.
Not every day.
Enough.
I crouched.
“Every time I can.”
“And if work means I’m late, Aunt Claire knows.”
“And you know how to call me.”
“And I tell you first.”
She nodded.
We had built routines.
Not promises that nothing bad would ever happen.
Promises about what we could control.
Who picked her up.
Who could enter the house.
Who could touch her.
What adults were allowed to ask.
That she could always say no.
I returned to federal work part-time.
Not because anyone forced me.
Because I wanted to.
For months, I felt guilty every time I left Lily.
Maya finally asked.
“What lesson do you want Lily to learn?”
“That I’m here for her.”
“And do you want her to believe mothers must stop being people to prove love?”
No.
I did not.
So I found balance imperfectly.
Some weeks I worked late.
Some weeks I turned down cases.
Sometimes Lily complained.
Normal complaints.
Beautifully normal.
Carlisle Development was sold.
Assets tied to laundering were seized.
A portion of Grant’s legitimate property entered divorce proceedings.
I kept the house only long enough to sell it.
I never wanted to sleep there again.
We bought a smaller home.
Wood floors.
Blue kitchen.
A backyard with a crooked fence.
No white marble.
Lily chose her room.
Purple walls.
Yellow curtains.
One night, she spilled paint on the floor.
She froze for one second.
Then looked at me.
I raised an eyebrow.
She giggled.
“Accident.”
“Yep.”
“Clean?”
“Yep.”
That was all.
May you like
No fear.
Just paint.
